Changes

For most of my life, my self-worth was directly related to how many things I was involved in. 

It seemed that I always had to be as involved and busy as possible to feel like I was special. 

But when I had my baby, something changed. There became one thing that I wanted to be involved in the most. I wanted to be busy with my family.

I always figured I would be a "career mom," working outside of the home while still loving and having enough time to be an awesome mother. (In fact, I remember a time when I wanted to be a single mom-the thought of marriage was gross-and adopt 26 kids all from different countries. Why 26? So I could name them all after a different letter of the alphabet. Silly? That's me.)   But when I had my baby, things changed. The first couple weeks back in the daily grind of work and school weren't bad at all. As the weeks progressed, I got more and more tired, and my mind and heart were more and more wrapped up in work. It became hard to give my son the attention, effort, and energy I would have liked simply because my life was spent in so many other places. 

Don't get me wrong, I had a great job, and a great academic life. The best. 

But it wasn't home. 

My heart began changing. 

So I made the decision to become a full-time stay at home mom. What a life change!

After answering to deadlines and supervisors, my time became mine to manage. 

Rather than counseling students and doing drama therapy, I became an entertainer for my baby.

Instead of positive feedback from clients and a paycheck, my validation was a child who babbles and cries. 

In place of a nice office with a window, I was suddenly the custodian to my own home. 

No more coming home exhausted from interaction with people, just craving human interaction.

Instead of finding happiness outside my house, I have found the deepest joy and fulfillment from a little 12 pound bundle of pure heaven.

I know that not every parent gets to stay at home, and I recognize that many people make different choices that are right for them. But what was right for me was choosing to stay at home. I've noticed three main improvements since staying home:

- My relationship with my child has gotten stronger and more tender

- My relationship with my husband had become less selfish and more patient

-My relationship with God has been given some much needed time and pondering. 

Now, it hasn't all been perfect. It is HARD work. The first two weeks I stayed home, it was like a vacation. Since I previously had very little free time, whatever free time I had was devoted to leisure. So the first two weeks of staying home were completely selfish. I watched tv, surfed the internet, read books, etc. After two weeks of being completely lazy and unfulfilled (not to mention having my house look like a disaster), I decided something had to change. 

Which brings us to now. 

Now I'm trying to learn how to manage time well and motivate myself without a deadline. 

Now I'm realizing that staying at home means that I become the creator of the home, physically and emotionally. 

Now I know that a child needs some sort of structure and activities. 

Now I know that it is possible for me to learn to cook and clean (and yes, even craft).

Now I'm discovering parts of myself I didn't know was there, just because of staying home. 

So please, join me on my journey. This blog will be all about staying home, being a woman, wifey stuff, growing and learning, creating a home, drama therapy, and things I think about a lot. I hope as you join me, you'll contribute your own thoughts as well, and a dialogue will be born.