Recently, I was listening to this broadcast on NPR (love me some NPR!). The discussion was based on this article called "What Kind of Mother Leaves Her Kids?". The article is about mothers who willingly choose to leave their children. It is not about mothers who need to give up custody or have their children removed from their home, but mothers who give up custody simply because they would rather be doing something else (examples are given of wanting to become a lawyer, do more writing, etc.).
I cannot judge these women. Their choices are their own, and I do not know their situation. But listening to this discussion really got me thinking. It made me think about my own motherhood.
The morning before I heard this broadcast, I had been sulking and thinking about what things I had to "give up" to be a mother. Soon after that I saw this video:
I think most mothers at some moment (however small that moment) can imagine something that would be more enjoyable than raising children. As much as I love my son and love being a stay at home mom, every once in a while the nagging voice creeps into my head about how much I'm "missing out" on. However, it doesn't stay for long.
So for me, the NPR discussion brought up a different, more important (I think) question. The question should not be "What kind of Mother would leave her children?" but rather, "What is the difference between a Mother who leaves and one who stays?" Or better yet, "What is the difference between a Mother who leaves and one who stays- and enjoys it?"
What do you think? What makes the difference? Are some people just not cut out for motherhood, as they talk about in the article? Is it right or wrong to pursue what one thinks will make them the most happy? Should we view the fact that more mothers give up custody as a step in equal rights?
As I've pondered these thoughts and questions, I think the difference between mothers who leave and ones who stay is the value one places on the role of a mother. I was raised to believe that motherhood is the highest calling, a sacred and noble gift given to all women, regardless of whether or not she has children. Because I believe this, it gets me through the hard days when I have spit up all over my clothes and can't seem to make a dent in the housework. It reminds me that what I am doing has eternal consequences, and will effect generations to come.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic. What do you think?
And on the lighter side of motherhood, this video struck a chord with me today:
Thank you so much for this blog! I have been struggling the past week about this issue. Do I or do I not want to go to work after last baby is born. There are so many pro's and con's to leaving and staying. In the end I don't think I will be able to shake the overwhelming guility feeling I have about leaving. At the same time, I really really really want personal fullfillment. I want to have a personal identity outside of my home. HELP!
ReplyDeleteI think one of the important things Jane said was not to compare yourself to others. We all have to make the choice to do the things that we believe are most important. And then we need to see ourselves accomplish those things and then feel good about that.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy but deceiving to get jealous of someone who is achieving their goals (which may be different than yours) but you have to remind yourself to think about your own goals. I think sometimes we see women who are accomplishing things and we feel that pull to be like them but what draws us is their assurance and their satisfaction with their achievements--not necessarily what they are doing. Do I really want to be an anchor and a ballerina and a CEO and a school teacher and a mountain climber and a cake decorator? I don't think I want to be all those things simultaneously--but I do want to have something that I do well and enjoy. For many women that is motherhood, or home management, or budgeting, or cooking, or home decorating, or sewing clothing, or cutting hair.. I think there are many avenues for feeling fulfilled as a mother, we have to find where ours is and focus on that.
There will always be parts of it that we don't enjoy as well. And anyone that says if they could just give up their kids, or even just put them in a (really great) day care that they could live a fulfilled life where it will always be gumdrops and roses--mentally stimulating and financially profitable, and never involved any feelings of inadequacy or anyone looking down on them or being forced to do tasks they don't enjoy or share a workspace with someone they can't stand. . . They are kidding themselves.
I haven't been to their site in years but I found the Feminists For Life position about motherhood to be very interesting. They said real equality means women being able to both have children and have a career. Not meaning super moms doing everything but meaning things like job sharing where women aren't told they either have to be willing to work 50+ hours a week or there is no place for them in the business world.
Honestly though, I think one reason I'm interested in homeschooling is because it seems like it could be like a tangible evidence of what I was doing as a mother--Or give me more directed focus for my efforts as a mother. Or something along those lines. We're always seeking for validation it seems, but I take offense to women saying motherhood is simply unfulfilling.
We recently had some of Dan's law school friends over for a BBQ. Most of them were married, and their spouses came, but none of them have children. They were all either going to school or working - it came to the point in the night where they asked me what I did and I found myself saying what Jane said many women say... I said, "I'm a mom, I just watch kids all day". I have recently started watching other kids as well as my son and it has made things a lot more hectic. I felt myself feeling very insignificant. Half the people were going to law school, and the other half were very career driven people. They thought it was odd that I would choose to stay home with my son and watch other kids when I could just take him to a daycare and have a job. Then one of them asked me what I did when I wasn't with my son - what did I do for fun. This was the part that depressed me the most - I don't know. I feel like I have lost all sense of who I was. My entire world has become supporting my law school student husband and taking care of my active son. I don't really get time just for myself, and if I did - I don't know what I would do. I think that becomes the struggle and that is what we have a hard time with - or at least for me, I just don't feel like I have an identity anymore.
ReplyDeleteLike Jeanette said, "we're always seeking for validation it seems" and when you have a 21 month old that doesn't know how to validate you, and does the opposite when throwing tantrums and other things of that nature, it can be very discouraging and hard to feel like what you do matters.
I know that motherhood is the most wonderful blessing and I choose to stay home with my son, and it is honestly harder than any job/school work I have ever done. When I worked I took pride on being the hardest worker and I would get complimented and praised constantly about my work performance, so recently I have decided that that is my goal - is to work my hardest at being the best possible mother for my son and focus on that and not so much on the praise part of it which I know is not going to come in the way that I am used to. And we all (mothers) need to give ourselves a break and go easy on ourselves. I read an article that I did a post about a while ago. You should read the article sometime. here is the link. http://thegarnerfamilyest07.blogspot.com/2011/03/go-easy-on-yourself.html
Thanks for posting! You are great!
Thanks Anna! It's so wonderful to be reminded of the divinity of the calling to be a mother. I often need to be reminded... :) I so appreciate your blog! And I'm excited to continue reading future posts!
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome!!! :)